Heartbreak: Mental Stupidity Outshines Giant’s “Moon-Ball” Attack
New York Giants vs Dallas Cowboys Post Game Review
Slightly speechless after a game like that one. I started this blog about the New York Giants looking to do something semi-productive with my obsession of the NFL and it would have the potential to be fun. Boy, was I wrong.
This game made me miss my Aunt Ellen aka the Wizard aka Grantie a ton. My ears have phantom ringing in them thinking of the octave she would’ve been cheering/jeering during this chaotic game. It would’ve been a blast and we miss you. Any whom…
Coming into the game with expectations similar to my mother’s expectations of me in college, I was extremely excited to see the way our offense was moving the ball. From the very first snap, you could tell the difference in our offensive line. Russ could breath, he had time to gander around the field and actually play quarterback and it was a delight to see. Writing this now my fingies are still tingling from the lack of blood circulating my body…so bear with me.
I am writing this right after the game so PFF grades are all done via smart guy eye test and about 5-6 manly seltzer beers. I’d like to spend the first half of this review speaking to how improved our team looked and the game in general. I’ll spend the last part of this crying, cussing, saying questionable things, and really really saying some below the belt things about James Hudson and Brian Daboll for giving our entire roster the wrong rule book before the game.
How the Giants Looked (Positives)
I must take this time to offer my formal apology to Russell Wilson. I said some things…. thought some things…maybe even wished some things, but it turns out you’re not too shabby if given a little time. My bad Mr. Unlimited. The moon ball was in full effect today. It still shocks me to my core that the same QB who played week 1 was our QB in week 2. He looked composed, athletic, and he might throw the best deep ball in the entire NFL….and he’s not scared to chuck that thing at any time. I was out. Like out out on Russell Wilson. As cute as Jaxson Dart looked on the sidelines and when he came in to ignite a 30 yard run…. it would be ludicrous to give up the keys to the car to Jaxson after that performance.
7/11 on deep passes…for 265 yards…only on DEEP PASSES. Insane.
Quotes from Mr. Unlimited
Russ in his post game presser seemed like a man who truly wanted to scream, I told ya so. As Mr. Unlimited put it, “he doesn’t need outside noise to confirm or deny his greatness…he knows what gifts God has given him.”
“The greater your great, the more they gonna hate.” These are the wise words some pastor told Russell Wilson and he lives by that mantra today. I don’t want to ruin my apology by reminding him that we only hated on him because he sincerely sucked in week 1, but that’s neither here nor there.
Today Russell Wilson threw for 450 freaking yards, 3 Tuddies, and had a QBR of 123.0. Legendary stat line. His job has been extended to week 3.
Back to the Positives for the New York Giants in Week 2
The offensive line, what a fucking improvement. Great job husky fellas. Again, we are talking positives here, so I am ignoring the penalties and obviously not speaking about James Hudson’s dumbass.
Russell consistently had a clean pocket to throw from. We went from the worst OL performance I’ve seen since Nam, to a top 10 performance in week 2. The running game had its ups and downs, nothing to write home about…but we made that up with explosive plays. It felt like for every dump off screen pass Mr. Unlimited made, he would throw an absolute waning crescent up to one of our playmakers. It’s been something I’ve been begging for since Elijah threw an absolute dart to Mario Manningham in our 2011-2012 Super Bowl victory. Without our all-pro LT Andrew Thomas, Marcos Mbow came in (after replacing the village idiot) and played extremely well on passing plays. Great to see.
Loved seeing Cam Skatz take over the running job…it seems to be a fluid position right now but I believe he gives us the best chance of gaining any yards in the running game as our run blocking is still consistently piss poor.
Our offensive weapons (Nabers, Wandale, and Slayton) all had themselves a good game and Malik Nabers proved why he has the ability to be the best receiver in the NFL TODAY.
On the defensive side, our D-Line came to play. Brian Burns in particular looked great and the rest of the four amigos did well with a few missed tackles here and there. It’s just hard to grit my teeth and write nice words about the defense when the man leading them is such a fucking vanilla idiot. More on that below.
Enough positives…I am heartbroken and I am in the mood to speak ill about some below average football minds.
We are going to do a new weekly segment called “Criminals from the Game” where we slander and say rude things about our worst performing New York Giants and put them in jail.
Week 2 Criminals from the Game
James Hudson: Class 1 Felony for Assault & Battery and also one felony count of forgetting how to follow rules/play football
Honestly, if they came out on to the field and arrested him on our first drive of the game I would’ve gave a standing ovation. He’s got the unique triple threat of being shitty at the sport, having zero mental acuity, and being uncontrollably angry/violent. What a guy….if I see him on the field in Week 3 I am going to drink my seltzers at an even swifter pace than usual, I HATE doing that.
Shane Bowen: Death Penalty for Lack of Creativity & Not Knowing How to Coach
From day 1 we all knew this man was going to be mediocre at best. His credentials coming out of Tennessee were just of being a mediocre DC for another franchise. Now, he has a team bubbling with elite talent and he just can’t seem to create chaos or instill fundamentals in the minds of these gabagools. We SHOULD be a top 5 defense in the league, right now we are a bottom five defense.
Brian Daboll: Class 1 Felony for Having the Team discipline of a Class With A Chill Substitute in 8th Grade
If his seat was a cast iron pan…it would build a beautiful crust on a ribeye steak. A literal record breaking day for penalties. Most this century that this team has ever committed. Both sides of the ball. All three sides I should say. We had triangular penalty doing in full force. Embarrassing, and just such an obvious coaching problem that an entire team could be so out of sorts. YOU are the reason we lost…no more Aviators for you cool guy.
Andrew Thomas: Class 1 Misdemeanor for Forcing Me To Watch James Hudson Play Left Tackle
Time to suck it up, man up, do all of the ups…. and just flipping play. You’re ready….good lord.
To end it on a positive note….this was a much better watch than week 1. I had friends coming out of the woodworks texting me congratulating us on scoring the ball for once lol. On to week 3…..
